Throughout Queens campus this weekend, hundreds of parents tried valiantly to convey life-lessons and advice through the age-old tradition of assumed mutual understanding.
Flanked by signs indicating students would drink to the whims of traffic, pulsing music drowned out the unsaid words of concerned patents while pursed lips and thinly veiled expressions of worry showed the true depth of their concerns.
“I think I got the point across,” offered one father while looking in despair at the front lawn beers pong game forming beside his sons new residence. “We spent some really great time not talking about alcohol and drug use, and then completely avoided discussing financial responsibility and the importance of working hard.”
Lessons like this can be difficult, but crucial to the success of young students. “There was even a point where I stood with my hands on my hips, starting at his bedside table where I had placed a box of condoms,” the father continued. “I think I really got through to him.”
Other students weren’t fortunate enough to benefit from their parents awkward attempts to relay crucial information through subtext, and instead had to participate in actual reasoned conversations with predictably horrible results.
“Ugh, it was the worst” explained one student. “My mom and I have one of those relationships where we talk about everything, which apparently meant that today she wanted to relive all of her college experimentation by telling me about it.”
“But I tuned out about halfway through after a guy matched with me on tinder and we’d stated trying to organize a Netflix and Chill date.”
By days end, most parents had swallowed their feelings sufficiently enough to avoid total alienation, but many all felt that silence was their best ally.
“I guess he’s old enough now that I just have to trust him to make his own decisions,” said a father carefully out of earshot. “I just hope that the words I was to uncomfortable to say will stay in the back of his mind, and help him through any hard times.”