Tourists disappointed to discover Artillery Park is not a live-fire weaponry range


Two vacationing Europeans have found themselves at a loss for what to do this afternoon as their plans to visit artillery park came unhinged when they realized that it was only a swimming facility, and not an mortar and artillery practice range.

“We are military historians,” explained the husband who originates from northern France. “We have always been very interested in Canadian military history, and we thought this would be a great place to learn by watching them practice their skills first hand. We have a great appreciation for Canadian artillery and what it has been able to do in warfare, so we assumed that they felt the same way and created a park honouring that ability.”

Adding insult to injury, even the aquatics centre was closed, so the couple could not even enjoy a dip when they arrived.

“Really, today has been a total loss,” complained the wife. “We will spend some time looking around the military base, and perhaps the fort on the hill, but this was the main attraction and now we realize there was nothing.”


Local bully feels threatened, ostracised, by pink shirt day


A local outwardly confident-yet insecure bully has revealed that he feels “totally outcast” by the coordinated pink shirt campaign against him, going so far to admit that he would rather stay home from school than face his peers.

“I just get this feeling in the pit of my stomach,” he admits. “I know everyone’s going to be looking at me, and thinking about how much of a jerk I am. Even if I wear a pink shirt I’m sure people are going to be snickering behind my back and I just don’t want to go through it.”

The pink shirt campaign, started by two highschoolers in Nova Scotia, has pushed the anti-bullying agenda into the national spotlight. Widespread support and public relations campaigns have made the campaign a huge success, and forced bullies to revisit their actions.

“It’s like everyone is ganging up on me just because of who I am,” lamented the bully. “I guess this is what it feels like to be bullied, and it sucks a lot!”

Other students had difficulty expressing their feelings.

“Yeah, that guy is definitely the reason I’m wearing this,” said a pink-clad teen. “But now I’m seeing everyone look at him, and hearing the stuff they’re saying and I kinda feel bad. It’s like we all just turned on him, so now instead of him picking on a few of us, we’re all picking on him.”

“I think the point should really be that we don’t want to be anti-bully, we want to be pro-positivity. If we turn on them, that makes us just as bad, so I guess we all just need to be excellent to each other.”

Transit driver admits to “just winging it”, “hoping for the best”


He had never driven anything longer than a pickup truck, but that didn’t stop a local driver from signing up to pilot a city bus through narrow downtown streets. Since starting with Kingston Transit he has struggled on occasion, and admits that much of the job is just figuring it out as he goes along.

“Some days I have no idea where stops are,” confessed the bus driver. “I’m usually good with the route, so I make the turns and just look for signs and hope for the best. Usually that works out fine, and if I miss one or two, people are pretty understanding.”

Procedures on the bus were also an uphill battle. The noises and indicators were initially confusing, and bordering on dangerously distracting. He admits it took a few runs to realize what the “stop requested” sign was about, and still hasn’t figured out all the different fare structures.

“It’s amazing how honest people are. I just glare at them, and they will present a pass, or scan a pass, or drop coins in. I haven’t got a clue what each one of them is, or what the amount is they’re supposed to pay, but people just work it out for themselves. If they are stuck and look to me for help, I just wave them on because I’m just as lost as they are.”

Recently, the experience under his belt has started to turn things around, and there has been a noticeable difference in the riders and their attitudes.

“When I started I would get yelled at all the time. ‘you missed a stop’ and ‘where are you going’ and ‘you’re 20 minutes late!’ “, the bus driver recited mockingly. “But now it’s only every once in a while, and it’s usually something like I turned too fast and tipped a stroller, or I sideswiped another car and didn’t notice. You know, little stuff.”

With the new transit expansion plan looming, the driver is worried about the future of his position.

“All those new routes, new people who aren’t used to us… it’s going to be a struggle.” he confessed. “but we’ll just have to keep going and hope for the best.”

Canadians reach sobering conclusion, they are the villain to all other hockey nations


Swaggering around Sochi with their gold medals prominently displayed around their necks, Canadian hockey players realized that they had become the evil step-sisters to the Cinderella nations of the world.

“Well, we’re the best… It’s our game…” said a player, nervously looking around. “We worked really hard for these, and came out on top again. We’re really proud.”

Other nations were less congratulatory.

“We nearly played ourselves to death,” lamented a Latvian defender. “Our goalie was almost killed by exhaustion, we were throwing up between periods and shivering on the bench. These guys are inhuman.”

American players were similarly upset.

“Oh, hey let’s just protect our one-goal lead. Ha-ha, real funny right?” fumed a trainer. “These guys come in and just roll right over us. It sucked,”

While at home millions cheered on the game, the rest of the hockey world was apathetic at best.

“Whoopee, Canada again,” shrugged a reporter. “There’s no narrative there. How do you write an interesting story out of that? ‘Steamroller flattens pavement’ has about the same ring to it. It’s not news it’s just procedure.”

Church leaders “totally not mad” as millions wake up early on Sunday to watch sports


Across Canada this morning, religious leaders are trying to hide their irritation behind patriotic smiles as millions woke up early to watch multimillionaire celebrities play a game for national pride.

“We’re all praying that they bring home the gold,” remarked a local priest, “however I will admit that we are amazed at the ability of a sport to generate such a response in our followers.”

“We’re not mad,” he was quick to add, “just disappointed.”

Many locals sheepishly admitted that this was the most exciting thing to happen on a Sunday morning for years.

“It’s not every week you’ve got an olympic gold medal final,” remarked a man, his coffee smelling of cream and liqueur. “There’s drama and excitement, national pride, cultural identity. It’s practically a religion in itself, and way more attention grabbing than stories about people written millions of years ago.”

Traffic flow improved by surprise road-widening.


In a city-wide infrastructure project of massive proportions, many local roads were increased to two full lanes, allowing nearly double the amount of traffic passage as previously possible.

The bulk of the project was completed through a widespread rainfall event, reducing snowbanks and breaking up ice in many crucial areas. Seeing weakness in the existing barriers, many drivers pushed outwards to redefine the width of local streets and increase usable road surface throughout the area.

Prior to the project, most streets existed in a grey area between one and two lanes, with some being dangerously close to one, and others being nearly close enough to two to be able to temp drivers to test their fate. Most streets downtown had been resigned to a single passable lane, with parking on both sides crowding dangerously into traffic at crucial junctures.

Some of the wider boulevards, while already maintained to two lanes through strict attention, have had their sightline and noise barriers reduced or eliminated. While local drivers are relieved at the possibility of seeing oncoming traffic lanes before entering them, area residents are lamenting the additional noise and eyesore of the traffic which had been screened previously by the towering snowbanks.

City unveils crowd-sourced pothole solution.


In an ambitious plan rolled out this week, the City of Kingston will seek to expand and combine all existing potholes into new, lower road surfaces using the tires and suspensions of local motorists.

“It’s a numbers game,” explained a traffic engineer. “We’ve got hundreds, maybe thousands of individuals holes in all the roadways. The time it would take to correctly excavate, compact, backfill, level, and re-pave them would be unbelievable, so we’re pursuing another avenue.”

However, this avenue already seems riddled with potholes of its own.

“It’s not easy, but for the long term it will mean less holes. The transition period will be the hard part, while we carve out these holes to take up the entire roadway space. There will be some adjustments necessary.”

The city has done their research on this method, with Queen street being used as a pilot project with moderate success. Pothole density and road surface corruption have had the added benefit of traffic calming as motorists are unwilling to drive any faster at the risk of damage to their vehicle.

“It’s basically killing two birds with one pothole,” the engineer joked. “We’re going to start rolling it out on some quieter residential streets to ensure it works, but there are some high-traffic areas that might jump the queue so that we can start seeing the benefits.”

Locals are resigned to the changes, but they hope that the new program will ease the difficulty.

“At least now I won’t have to swerve like a rally driver to avoid them,” said a local driver. “I might need some off-road shocks and tires, but at least I will be able to drive in a straight line.”

Expectations are that the potholes should be fully connected by late spring, in time for the main construction season to begin. Further connection and expansion will continue throughout the summer months and into the fall, where it is hoped that ice and snow will break up any remaining chunks and finish the job.