Collision shortage opens 401 for brief period

Standard

Due to an extreme weather deficiency causing no collisions over the last 24 hours, Highway 401 was open for an extended period today through the entire Belleville-Kingston-Brockville corridor.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” commented a local delivery driver. “Cars in the ditch, trucks on their side… I would have expected to see at least something like that out there today. It was unbelievable.”

Local OPP are just as baffled. Media officers reported that cruisers from all areas were being tasked with responding to issues entirely uninvolved with highway traffic. Traffic redirection and Emergency Detour Routes remained unused for the majority of the day, and traffic delays were reduced to unusually low numbers even during workday commuter hours.

Although disturbing, meteorologists are confident that a large band of snow and ice should pass through the area through the weekend and return highway conditions to seasonal norms. At this time, motorists are asked to pay more attention to the road and their surroundings, and to drive to match the conditions.

City of Kingston adds yet another joke news outlet

Standard

January 30th, 2014

In a Kingston market already saturated with joke news, today “The Karrot” emerged as the newest challenger to an already competitive market. Hoping to make inroads where others have failed, The Karrot strives for a sense of true comedy not achieved by their peers.

“We’re hoping that if we put in the work, citizens will realize what they have been missing,” offered the editor of the newly minted satire. “Other outlets here, they’re just not putting in the effort to be truly funny. Sure they can pull content from their syndicate wires, and they’ve got an established name, but we’re hoping to be able to offer something truly local in the market.”

Local heavyweight “The Kingston Whig Standard” has been in continuous circulation for nearly 100 years, but has only recently stepped up to become a true leader in joke news. A reduction in local staffing, and a centralization through their corporate owners Sun Media have allowed the Whig to push into previously unknown levels of comedic content. Leading the way into the 20th century, they have expanded their shtick to include online story comments, live twitter coverage, and blogging. Other notables in the market include the Kingston EMC Heritage and Kingston This Week papers, although they are known to include actual content with their stories, muddying the waters and dulling the comedic edge. None of these outlets were immediately available for comment at the time of writing.

It remains to be seen if the market will bear the weight of so many media outlets trying to produce joke content. While normally resilient, the city has recently plunged into a depressing and cynical state where these joke stories are dismissed and discarded offhand. Only time will tell if there can again be a voice for humor in what has become a bleak darkness of joke news.